Why?

"you can't start a fire...you can't start a file without a spark..this gun's or hire....even if we're just dancing in the dark.."

Why?
----------

i've heard this question many times.
i'm sure you have, too.

"why? why do you like her so much? why are you so crazy about her?"

and i hear all sorts of answers.

"oh..she's smart...intelligent..gorgeous...and so on..".

after dream and i got together, i asked myself the same question.

why am i so much in love with her?

well.............read on.

the next day, a friend in college asked me the very same question.

"dude. let's be practical. why the hell are you so into her?"

and this is what i said.

"simple. i love her."

yes.
everyone knows she's attractive. intelligent. smart. yes, very courageous. and yes, she's got a hell of a temper!
but that's not it.
it's partly because there's this bond between us.
unexplainable, unbreakable.
and that's why i love her.
and that's why i can't bear to see her down, or sad, or depressed.
but when she's angry...man, she looks all the more beautiful!

:P

then...another question popped into my silly head.
right. so you like her. but what on earth makes her like you?

ha!
that was a stumper, for sure.
i asked her once.
she said she only wanted to see me well.

yup.
i talked to her friends once. they say that dream likes me a lot, too!
she wants to always see me happy.

and, that isn't very far from what i want for her.
looks like we're on the same wavelength!

so, we're bound now.
bound by this rope..never to be seperated.
simply because we care for each other way too much, to leave the other.
i can't bear to leave her. and i can sense that she can't bear to do the same.

but there is a problem.
my anger.
a couple of days back, a boy, who used to study with her, and torment her with some of the most disgusting names, called her.
she simply hung up.

i don't know.
the minute she told me...my vision went crimson again.
and my mouth tasted like burning metal.
all i wanted to do then, was to murder the boy, and wipe out his very existence!
it guess it's well i don't have the boy's address.
or else he'd be dead by now..and i'd have a murder on my hands!
and dream won't let me do anything to the boy.
she's way too forgiving.

i actually want this life with her.
i love being with her.
and i love it, when she tells me that she loves me.
it makes me feel...like i'm without gravity!
seriously.
i'm so into her....i love her like hell!

and i know this.
there can never be anyone else in my life.
it's either her...or no one.
just my laptop and me.
:P
no.
really.
i can't contemplate life without her.
and now, when i look back at my life before i asked her out on 6th april..it was so very drab, so very dull, so very without life!
she's come and put so much color....i can only hope that i've done enough, if not the same, for her.

"there's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you...and this hole in my heart can't be filled by anything i do.."

Slide Along Side, Yeah baby, that's right...I'm gonna show you the time of your life..

"...with eight seconds left in overtime...she's on your mind...she's on your mind.."

i went to her house yesterday.
actually, her mum invited us over.
at about 3 pm on friday, 8th april, i was sitting in the library, installing linux on my laptop.
suddenly, my phone buzzed. mum's call.
i went outside.
she's like, we're going to her house.
my yell of joy scared the hell out of the librarians!

so we went.
now, when we reached, her mum was having stomach pains. she'd accidentally taken a painkiller on an empty stomach..so dream and i went to the market nearby, to get some meds.
we were walking in the alleyway...man, i couldn't take my eyes off her!
it's like i'm a blind man, seeing the sun for the first time..she's that important in my life, now.
we then turned into another alleyway...and some boys were hanging around.

i don't know.
something about their stance, and the way they looked at us, made me feel that they weren't exactly very polite whenever dream was around.
and i can't help it; anger and vengeance are very powerful emotions for me, especially due to the measures i've taken, to become immortal.
and then, as i was glaring, suddenly dream's voice broke through the crimson haze clouding my vision and my mind.
"don't. just ignore them..let's go."
and for the first time in my life, i just walked away.
walked away from carnage, walked away from my anger...i was helpless, her voice was more than enough to just make me forget all about those ruffians!
man, she's really changed me.

we finally reached a busy road, and the market lay across.
and when i say it was busy...i'm understating.
"you intend to cross this?", i ask dream.
"yeah...we need to hold hands, to get across.", she replies.
with pleasure, ma'am!

and then suddenly, it came.
damn!
i should have seen it coming.
i spend 3 years, trying to develop all my 6 senses, and this is the result?
a cyclist almost ran over her left foot...and he succeeded in hitting her leg.
he lost his balance, but recovered and went on.
and...i didn't even think of pursuing him.
all i could think of was her. if she was okay.
well, she was okay. no external injury, just pain. which she tried to hide. and that's when i realized that, in my concern for dream, i'd just let the cyclist go. what's happened to me?
then we crossed.

now, we reached the chemist.
she's like, you go in. i'm staying out.
why, i asked. "have you yelled at him as well?"
"no, no.", she answered. "it's just a habit..i never go inside the shops."
strange.
anyway, i went in, argued a bit about the meds..and came out.
she was talking to a friend of hers.
i went over, and said hello to her friend.
and her friend...didn't respond.
i guess she didn't hear. or she was surprised beyond words...though i don't know what quality inside me could surprise a girl so much...maybe the fact that i look weird!
so we started going back.

as we entered the alley, i remembered.
a couple of days back, dream got a message on her cellphone, saying "hi, sweetheart."
from someone she didn't know. some idiot who got her number from god knows where.
when she told me about it....i was furious.
i suddenly remembered that i was supposed to call the bugger and teach him a lesson in decency.
so i asked dream to give me the number....and she refused.
and then, she caught sight of the wallpaper on my cell phone.
it was a photo of her.
she was like, change it. right now.
i stalled.....and i succeeded.
:)

we finally reached her home, and i handed over the meds to her mum. she served snacks. my brothers and dream's brother ambled off to the computer, and i went with dream to her mum's room.
she switched on her laptop, to show me a video of her schoolmates..it was quite amusing.
then i asked her.
"why did you say yes to me?"
she looked at me, and replied:
"are you stupid, or what?".

i guess that answers my question.
:)

by now, her left leg was aching bad enough for her to admit it.
just like i thought.
she rubbed some pain-relieving ointment onto the affected area.

then, she made me open my facebook account.
hmm.
i complied. obviously.
and...gosh, 10 friends were online, and 3 of them had commented on my 'changed-relationship' status..it was embarassing.
anyway, my good friend ashima was online.
so dream pinged her.
they weren't able to talk much...'cause another, very good friend, of mine, delson, came online.
and he asked me, "what is this i'm hearing, or rather i'm seeing?".
i wasn't able to answer.
so, i'll answer his question here, with a little backdrop.

delson and i had a discussion about the issue of getting committed a couple of weeks back. at that point of time, i hadn't been sure about dream. okay, i knew i loved her to death; the question was, should she know, or should she just think of me as a friend? now, of course, that period of indecision is over. life hasn't been this good!
anyway, back to to the point. i told delson, that the day i get married (trust me, i always think ahead!), my wife would yell at me, and give me a choice: either she stays, or my laptop stays. so, delson asked me what would be my answer. and i was like, are you kidding? the laptop!


see, delson, things have changed ever since we had that chat.
yes, i know i didn't tell you then, and for that, i'm truly very sorry.
i just had to be like, really sure.
but remember that i told you that this girl exists in my dreams?
i was telling the truth.
she stars in my dreams, she's my dream girl!
her mixture of innocence and maturity, her beautiful golden eyes, her anger, her voice, everything about her...they just make me hopeless with desire!
and the way she looks at me....man, i simply can't resist her!
so, to answer your question: yes, whatever you read or heard...it's completely, and fortunately, true!

back to my description of the evening.
my brother was bugging us. not leaving us alone.
!#@$@%#$%!%%$$&&*$#@$!@#$%%^^^&&**%!!!!!

then came dinner.
dream actually spoon-fed me a couple of mouthfuls!
it felt amazing...it was amazing..!
:D

after dinner, my mum stood up.
it was getting late, and we had to go.
so everyone started ambling out.
dream came till the door of the flat.
i was like, you're not coming down?
she was like, no, it's the leg, you know.

i held out my arms.
and this time...the way she hugged me...it was so different.
so many unsaid things passed between us.
i felt whole, complete. i guess it's only normal.
and i smelled her scent..it was sweet.
and i then whispered in her ear, the very same words, which i knew i'd keep saying to her for the rest of eternity: "i love you".
and the best part is...i don't know if she heard it or not...my whispering is very low!

the next day, when i'm writing this, my phone buzzes. a message.
from dream.
"the sea told me about his empire, about his size, about his unending destiny, about his greatness..i told him about us...and he felt so small."
i messaged her back.
"thanks, dream. for loving me. for everything. i love you."
then came another message.
"gold gets brown, silver gets dark, platinum gets white, and copper loses its shine. all metals will leave you, but i'm the only one who remains with you, 'cause heera hai sada ke liye!"
i just loved this one.
like i keep saying. i just can't stop loving her. and i'll continue to love her for the rest of my, no, our limitless existence.

there's this song by incubus. love hurts. the chorus goes like:
"love hurts..but without love i won't survive."

no.
her love doesn't hurt.
it strenghtens.
yes.
without her love...i won't survive.

A New Day Has Come..

"i'll make all your dreams come true...just give me some time."

you have all the time in the world, love.

The Rising

"i tremble for my beloved..all day.."

yes.
i'm in love.
full flowering, the kind we always dream of, read about, hear about.
yes. i've liked a couple of girls before. and they didn't amount to anything.
yes. there was a time when i thought i was in love. i was wrong.
it didn't amount to anything.
but now...i'm close to exploding.
so many new feelings rushing around, in my heart.
it's like awakening from a deep sleep.
could a dead, frozen heart beat again? it feels like mine is about to.

my life, till now, was an unending, unchanging midnight. the way i live, what i do, the way i am, makes it a necessity, for midnight to prevail. so then, how is it possible, that in the midst of my midnight, the sun was rising?
when i discovered 4 months back that i wasn't in love, i decided to undergo a transformation. i crushed most forms of feeling, of emotion. i froze my personality, my thoughts, in order to live on, and ultimately, become immortal.
but now...i was thawing. she was thawing me out, to be precise.

"she's fire, and yet she's ice. she burns, and yet she cools."

ever wondered what it feels like?
i'll tell you.
it's like she's the centre of the universe. the centre of my existence.
i''m an insignificant planet, a moon, revolving around her.
bound by a billion cables, made of the strongest alloy not even man would have dreamt of.

"she pulls me through time."

i cry everyday.
partly because she cries. because people around her in school are not people, the way they misbehave with her. i swear, i would murder them. for me, rage and vengeance are powerful emotions, and i rarely try and control them. if only she'd let me have my way with those motherf***ers for 5 minutes...!
partly because i don't know what to do.
partly because i'm not with her.
even now, as i write this, i cry.
it's futile.
but what else can i do?

"your tears don't fall...they crash around me."

everyday, when i go to college, i pass her school. i yearn to be with her, to talk to her, to touch her, to tell her i'm always there for her.

"so close, yet so far."

she's come to my house twice. i've gone to her house once. and everytime, as we bid each other farewell, and i pull her into a hug, i think of the same thing.

"parting is such sweet sorrow."

if tommorow, the need arose..yes. i'd die for her.
yes. i'd take a bullet for her. so that she is safe.
if tommorow, she turned around, and said that she didn't want me to be immortal...i'd happily become mortal.
if tommorow, she turned around and said that she wanted the stars....i'd go and get them all.
for her..i'd be human.
because now i know, that i'll love this beautiful, fragile girl for the rest of my limitless existence.

"i finally find..that you and i..collide."

her nickname is 'dream'.
for me, that's what she is.
a beautiful dream.
one that i want to last forever.

"if only dreams could come true..."

and that's what she'll always remain.
a beautiful dream.
unattainable.
that's what beautiful dreams are...impossible.
i've seen the future. crystal clear.
she'll never love me. never.
she'll be with the one she loves..and the one she loves, will not be me.
how can anyone love me, being who i am?
in that one moment, i saw it all.
she, in love with someone else.
i, standing on the sidelines, happy that she's happy. heart-broken, because i'm not the one making her happy.
that's the way things are.

"but it's time to face the truth...i will never be with you."

my mother says we'll work it out. it'd be difficult, but she and i will be together some day.

"someday, somewhere..together we'll be baby..."