The Rising

"i tremble for my beloved..all day.."

yes.
i'm in love.
full flowering, the kind we always dream of, read about, hear about.
yes. i've liked a couple of girls before. and they didn't amount to anything.
yes. there was a time when i thought i was in love. i was wrong.
it didn't amount to anything.
but now...i'm close to exploding.
so many new feelings rushing around, in my heart.
it's like awakening from a deep sleep.
could a dead, frozen heart beat again? it feels like mine is about to.

my life, till now, was an unending, unchanging midnight. the way i live, what i do, the way i am, makes it a necessity, for midnight to prevail. so then, how is it possible, that in the midst of my midnight, the sun was rising?
when i discovered 4 months back that i wasn't in love, i decided to undergo a transformation. i crushed most forms of feeling, of emotion. i froze my personality, my thoughts, in order to live on, and ultimately, become immortal.
but now...i was thawing. she was thawing me out, to be precise.

"she's fire, and yet she's ice. she burns, and yet she cools."

ever wondered what it feels like?
i'll tell you.
it's like she's the centre of the universe. the centre of my existence.
i''m an insignificant planet, a moon, revolving around her.
bound by a billion cables, made of the strongest alloy not even man would have dreamt of.

"she pulls me through time."

i cry everyday.
partly because she cries. because people around her in school are not people, the way they misbehave with her. i swear, i would murder them. for me, rage and vengeance are powerful emotions, and i rarely try and control them. if only she'd let me have my way with those motherf***ers for 5 minutes...!
partly because i don't know what to do.
partly because i'm not with her.
even now, as i write this, i cry.
it's futile.
but what else can i do?

"your tears don't fall...they crash around me."

everyday, when i go to college, i pass her school. i yearn to be with her, to talk to her, to touch her, to tell her i'm always there for her.

"so close, yet so far."

she's come to my house twice. i've gone to her house once. and everytime, as we bid each other farewell, and i pull her into a hug, i think of the same thing.

"parting is such sweet sorrow."

if tommorow, the need arose..yes. i'd die for her.
yes. i'd take a bullet for her. so that she is safe.
if tommorow, she turned around, and said that she didn't want me to be immortal...i'd happily become mortal.
if tommorow, she turned around and said that she wanted the stars....i'd go and get them all.
for her..i'd be human.
because now i know, that i'll love this beautiful, fragile girl for the rest of my limitless existence.

"i finally find..that you and i..collide."

her nickname is 'dream'.
for me, that's what she is.
a beautiful dream.
one that i want to last forever.

"if only dreams could come true..."

and that's what she'll always remain.
a beautiful dream.
unattainable.
that's what beautiful dreams are...impossible.
i've seen the future. crystal clear.
she'll never love me. never.
she'll be with the one she loves..and the one she loves, will not be me.
how can anyone love me, being who i am?
in that one moment, i saw it all.
she, in love with someone else.
i, standing on the sidelines, happy that she's happy. heart-broken, because i'm not the one making her happy.
that's the way things are.

"but it's time to face the truth...i will never be with you."

my mother says we'll work it out. it'd be difficult, but she and i will be together some day.

"someday, somewhere..together we'll be baby..."